So, for all you heavy-thinkers out there, I have a little riddle for you. You have one car with three people in it. All three people are sleeping. Who's driving the car?
Think about this....it's a real brain twister!
Give up?
That's RIGHT! You win the prize! NOBODY IS DRIVING THE CAR!!!!!!!!
Yes, you read me right slug-lovers. I won the "try to kill me" driver lotto today and got the guy who can't stay awake. But just when I thought the sleeping wasn't bad enough, it turns out he's the ONE driver who does the opposite of the natural "falling asleep at the wheel" reaction. Most people, when they fall asleep at the wheel, decelerate. No, not my driver. He went faster....and faster...and faster....
Here I was...in the backseat (finally the luxury seat is mine!)...minding my own business (in other words, sleeping with my ipod on). It was a long, draining day at work, and I needed a few minutes of unrestful sleep in the backseat of a stranger's car. Besides the pungent smell of body odor and what might have been the faintest smell of urine, the ride was relatively uneventful. The weather was perfect. The sun was beating down on me in just the right way. I was having a nice little nap. Until........brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrap. You know that sound.....your car just QUICKLY drove over the rumble strips on the side of the road. I instinctively opened my eyes to see us heading STRAIGHT FOR THE JERSEY WALL doing about 85 miles per hour (at least that's what the speedometer said when I say him decelerate after waking). We were literally an INCH from smashing head-first into the wall when I screamed SO LOUD I'm pretty sure I woke up this guy's great great great great great grandfather (who probably died falling asleep at the reins of his horse).
I screamed. His head flew up (yes, you pictured that right...his head was ALL THE WAY back...mouth open). My fellow passenger on death row woke up at the same time as Mr. Snoozy McDeathdriver, and we collectively yelled a really bad word. He swerved. We all survived. While I'm all about sacrificing for my art, I'm not too thrilled about ghost writing my blog for Halloween this year.
The silence was deafening after that. My ipod was safely clutched in my trembling hands for the rest of the trip (probably broken now), and my heart was definitively pounding just behind my left eye. I wasn't complaining about the skull-crushing headache that ensued post life-flashing. Afterall, I was in one piece and still breathing. I got lucky. I really DID win the lottery today.
I'm pretty sure that was urine I smelled. I'm sure this isn't the first time Mr. High-speed Sleeper has done this, and his other unsuspecting passengers probably didn't have the bladder fortitude of someone like me.
So, as we all do when we arrive at our destination, me and my +1 gathered our belongings and exited the car. Nothing unusual. I was left for a second with the dilemma of how to "thank" the Grim Reaper for almost driving his death chariot into an unforgiving wall, and I decided on the only fitting exit I could muster.
FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Monday, October 29, 2007
Keep the Slimy Paws Off My Settings
In the world of DC hitchiking, there are some basic human needs that must be met.
1. A safe, clean ride.
2. Drop off at the agreed upon location.
3. Preferably, temperature is adjusted to match the weather.
There are some "creature comforts" that are somewhat in question.
1. The volume level, and choice of music, of the radio.
2. The actual temperature of the interior.
3. The cleanliness and space available for your actual seat.
Having said all of this, I'm here to say that there is ONE thing that is not required to be provided, nor is it in question as to whether or not it should be provided. That one thing is.....
THE POSITION OF MY SEATS!!!!!!!!
When I decide to drive, I'm the INCREDIBLY friendly driver that opens the door to my passengers to comment on the temperature. I make sure they know that it's OK to adjust the vetns if they need to, and I invite temperature adjustment suggestions. NEVER ONCE do you hear me say, "oh please, come on in and readjust all of my seat settings to meet your needs!" If someone gets in and my seat is too far forward (or backward), I will make it clear that they can move the seat up or back. That's only the kind thing to do. But, when you get in and start settling yourself in as if this is your own personal limo suited specifically to your needs, we have a PROBLEM. No, you are not allowed to recline my seats back. No, you are not allowed to move my headrests around. This is not American Airlines. It's not OK to get in and make yourself at home. You aren't going to be in my car for that long (yes, if it actually were American Airlines, you'd be there for a WHILE). It's not like I have my seats adjusted into a backbreaking posture!
Anyway, it's supposed to be a somewhat comfortable ride for you, although God knows I've had my share of sketchy ones. It is not a custom-tailored situation for you. Get in, put your seatbelt on, GO TO SLEEP. Hell, if you ask, I might consent to the changes as long as you agree to put them back where you found them. (Please return trays and seatbacks to their upright position) Otherwise, leave my car's settings alone. That's all I ask.
So, a new rule to throw out there: sluggers, keep your slimy hands off my seats!
Happy slugging!
1. A safe, clean ride.
2. Drop off at the agreed upon location.
3. Preferably, temperature is adjusted to match the weather.
There are some "creature comforts" that are somewhat in question.
1. The volume level, and choice of music, of the radio.
2. The actual temperature of the interior.
3. The cleanliness and space available for your actual seat.
Having said all of this, I'm here to say that there is ONE thing that is not required to be provided, nor is it in question as to whether or not it should be provided. That one thing is.....
THE POSITION OF MY SEATS!!!!!!!!
When I decide to drive, I'm the INCREDIBLY friendly driver that opens the door to my passengers to comment on the temperature. I make sure they know that it's OK to adjust the vetns if they need to, and I invite temperature adjustment suggestions. NEVER ONCE do you hear me say, "oh please, come on in and readjust all of my seat settings to meet your needs!" If someone gets in and my seat is too far forward (or backward), I will make it clear that they can move the seat up or back. That's only the kind thing to do. But, when you get in and start settling yourself in as if this is your own personal limo suited specifically to your needs, we have a PROBLEM. No, you are not allowed to recline my seats back. No, you are not allowed to move my headrests around. This is not American Airlines. It's not OK to get in and make yourself at home. You aren't going to be in my car for that long (yes, if it actually were American Airlines, you'd be there for a WHILE). It's not like I have my seats adjusted into a backbreaking posture!
Anyway, it's supposed to be a somewhat comfortable ride for you, although God knows I've had my share of sketchy ones. It is not a custom-tailored situation for you. Get in, put your seatbelt on, GO TO SLEEP. Hell, if you ask, I might consent to the changes as long as you agree to put them back where you found them. (Please return trays and seatbacks to their upright position) Otherwise, leave my car's settings alone. That's all I ask.
So, a new rule to throw out there: sluggers, keep your slimy hands off my seats!
Happy slugging!
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
I Hate Leather Seats
Yes, I know what you are thinking. Why on earth would I dedicate an entire posting to my hatred of leather seats? Besides the fact that this is my blog and I can bitch about anything I want, I think my complaint about leather seats could serve as a public service announcement to all current and future leather seat optioners and their unsuspecting passengers.
To clarify, I am NOT a PETA member and this has NOTHING to do with saving the animals. If it was up to me, I'd have more leather and less cows. I'll take the skin, you take the tenderloin.
Why do I hate leather seats? Let me count the ways...
1. If you move the wrong way, it sounds like you just farted in the car. If you are among friends and family, this could be a good source of laughter. If you are in the car with strangers, not so funny. Personally, I wouldn't use this as a reason to not buy leather seats.
2. If you sit too long on leather seats, your butt sweats. Not something anyone but you would notice (unless you leave a wet spot, God forbid!), but unpleasant to get out of a car and do the subtle butt sweep to see just how bad the damage is. I know nobody wants to admit this, but like I said....public service announcement.
3. People who own cars with leather seats feel inclined to polish their precious leather with some obnoxious leather treatment oils. See where I am going with this? I went to work smelling "Lovely" and I am now spending my day smelling Bovine.
4. When you sit on leather seats, your clothes become a dust rag (the accumulation of dust is magnified by the leather oil). Good for the owner, bad for the passenger. It's really bad enough that I have to smell like your leather, but now I am walking around with your stripper girlfriend's glitter debris!
5. Finally, this one is SERIOUS. When you are not paying attention and you find yourself making a violent and sudden stop to avoid hitting the car in front of you, my ass continues to slide forward even though my seatbelt has harnessed the rest of me. Ladies and gentleman of the leather-seat owning community, do you really want a lawsuit for ass-lash?
Happy slugging!
To clarify, I am NOT a PETA member and this has NOTHING to do with saving the animals. If it was up to me, I'd have more leather and less cows. I'll take the skin, you take the tenderloin.
Why do I hate leather seats? Let me count the ways...
1. If you move the wrong way, it sounds like you just farted in the car. If you are among friends and family, this could be a good source of laughter. If you are in the car with strangers, not so funny. Personally, I wouldn't use this as a reason to not buy leather seats.
2. If you sit too long on leather seats, your butt sweats. Not something anyone but you would notice (unless you leave a wet spot, God forbid!), but unpleasant to get out of a car and do the subtle butt sweep to see just how bad the damage is. I know nobody wants to admit this, but like I said....public service announcement.
3. People who own cars with leather seats feel inclined to polish their precious leather with some obnoxious leather treatment oils. See where I am going with this? I went to work smelling "Lovely" and I am now spending my day smelling Bovine.
4. When you sit on leather seats, your clothes become a dust rag (the accumulation of dust is magnified by the leather oil). Good for the owner, bad for the passenger. It's really bad enough that I have to smell like your leather, but now I am walking around with your stripper girlfriend's glitter debris!
5. Finally, this one is SERIOUS. When you are not paying attention and you find yourself making a violent and sudden stop to avoid hitting the car in front of you, my ass continues to slide forward even though my seatbelt has harnessed the rest of me. Ladies and gentleman of the leather-seat owning community, do you really want a lawsuit for ass-lash?
Happy slugging!
Monday, October 15, 2007
So many things, so little time....
It's been a while since I posted, and I know most of you are wondering what has happened. Well, between some relatively uneventful commutes and a glorious week off from work, I haven't had much to say. But let me assure you, I have PLENTY to say right now. As before, I'll try to break it down a little so I can cover everything relatively quickly.
#1. SHUT UP! Seriously! Shut up!
We all get to know each other relatively quickly. You ride at the same times with roughly the same people every morning. Knowing this should, SHOULD, make you hesitant about sharing your lurid personal details with semi-strangers! Granted, I don't necessarily know your name, but with the level of detail you provide me, I could certainly track you down. (granted, I don't want to, but what if I was a psycho? Let's stop and think people.) I understand the urge to be chatty when you are in a car full of people for a long time. I also understand the urge to get your problems off your chest. God knows I have a Mack Truck load I could dump on you. But I don't say anything. Why is that? Because it's NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. Just like it's NONE OF MY BUSINESS who your daughter is sleeping with, was sleeping with, or how many weapons your boyfriend keeps around just in case.
Yes, I leave room for the possibility that there are indeed people in the car who want you to share all of your bizarre personal details. Hell, if it's the afternoon commute, I'm all for listening to your latests soap opera moment. But, as I have stated previously, before 9AM, I am NOT interested.
So, here's a little cheatsheet for "how to know if the people in this car care about my ______": if the people to whom you are blabbing keep dozing off, THEY AREN'T LISTENING. If their response to your questions consist of a few grunts and a sigh, THEY AREN'T LISTENING. If they snore, THEY AREN'T LISTENING!
Do yourself, and your fellow commuters a favor, when you see these signs, save your breath for the ride home (provided these signs are not present again).
As for me, ALWAYS assume that I want to sleep. :) I love sleep.
#2. This is a quick review of a previous complaint, so it will be short.
If your car's inspection sticker has expired, and I don't just mean a few days ago, you should NOT endanger other people's lives. I can only assume that there are mechanical issues preventing your vehicle from passing inspection. If you want to take that chance, that's up to you. But do me a favor, DON'T LET ME RIDE IN YOUR DEATH MACHINE. Good Lord people! Let's use some common sense.
It could be, and I could be wrong, but it could be that the reason the car won't pass inspection is because it's so FULL of trash that the inspector couldn't get in to do his checklist. That's right, I sat on top of trash that was on top of trash. And, despite my fortunately short stature, I was so crammed into your backseat that my short little knees were up to my chest. Try, TRY to think of what you are putting your riders through!
#3. This is just funny, so I'm going to share.
Referring back to #1, but it has nothing to do with me.....
If you get into a car and greet the driver and their response is to turn up the radio louder without responding, there's a GOOD chance that person does not want to talk to you.
Just a thought...I could be wrong.
Happy slugging!
#1. SHUT UP! Seriously! Shut up!
We all get to know each other relatively quickly. You ride at the same times with roughly the same people every morning. Knowing this should, SHOULD, make you hesitant about sharing your lurid personal details with semi-strangers! Granted, I don't necessarily know your name, but with the level of detail you provide me, I could certainly track you down. (granted, I don't want to, but what if I was a psycho? Let's stop and think people.) I understand the urge to be chatty when you are in a car full of people for a long time. I also understand the urge to get your problems off your chest. God knows I have a Mack Truck load I could dump on you. But I don't say anything. Why is that? Because it's NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. Just like it's NONE OF MY BUSINESS who your daughter is sleeping with, was sleeping with, or how many weapons your boyfriend keeps around just in case.
Yes, I leave room for the possibility that there are indeed people in the car who want you to share all of your bizarre personal details. Hell, if it's the afternoon commute, I'm all for listening to your latests soap opera moment. But, as I have stated previously, before 9AM, I am NOT interested.
So, here's a little cheatsheet for "how to know if the people in this car care about my ______": if the people to whom you are blabbing keep dozing off, THEY AREN'T LISTENING. If their response to your questions consist of a few grunts and a sigh, THEY AREN'T LISTENING. If they snore, THEY AREN'T LISTENING!
Do yourself, and your fellow commuters a favor, when you see these signs, save your breath for the ride home (provided these signs are not present again).
As for me, ALWAYS assume that I want to sleep. :) I love sleep.
#2. This is a quick review of a previous complaint, so it will be short.
If your car's inspection sticker has expired, and I don't just mean a few days ago, you should NOT endanger other people's lives. I can only assume that there are mechanical issues preventing your vehicle from passing inspection. If you want to take that chance, that's up to you. But do me a favor, DON'T LET ME RIDE IN YOUR DEATH MACHINE. Good Lord people! Let's use some common sense.
It could be, and I could be wrong, but it could be that the reason the car won't pass inspection is because it's so FULL of trash that the inspector couldn't get in to do his checklist. That's right, I sat on top of trash that was on top of trash. And, despite my fortunately short stature, I was so crammed into your backseat that my short little knees were up to my chest. Try, TRY to think of what you are putting your riders through!
#3. This is just funny, so I'm going to share.
Referring back to #1, but it has nothing to do with me.....
If you get into a car and greet the driver and their response is to turn up the radio louder without responding, there's a GOOD chance that person does not want to talk to you.
Just a thought...I could be wrong.
Happy slugging!
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