Commuter Circus

Have you ever been in a situation that made you stop and just laugh because so many things were going wrong at once?

I was standing in line this morning, and very gradually I started to notice that everything was unraveling. I don't know if it's the influx of new sluggers or just Monday stupidity, but everyone was just insane this morning.

At first it was the drivers. There was a guy who drove up from the back holding up a big sign announcing his destination...written in crayon. He was waving it at all of us and yelling it out for those who can't read. He was acting inpatient that nobody was stepping out, but as far as I know, it's never a good idea to step out in front of a moving car. Two guys sort of crept up to the car as if they were afraid to get in, but it's that same old story of wanting to get to work at any cost. The driver was a nut, but they were in a hurry.

Then this "woman" drove up in her giant SUV, and stuck her head out, again, way towards the back of the line. She was apparently too impatient to wait until she got to the front of the line to call out her destination, as it expected of most drivers. So she starts saying "14th Street!" (actual names and locations are changed to protect the privacy and accuracy of this blog) But nobody moved and she got PISSED. So she, with a deep drill sergeant voice (obviously calling upon her previous career as a lesbian drill sergeant), called out 14TH STREET!!!! It was so loud, and so obnoxious that we all started laughing. Since her daily dose of estrogen had clearly not settled in yet, she started getting angry and commented "you people need to wake up!" To which a guy behind me said "next time you can bring us Starbucks." Then the real fun began. We all took turns making fun of her as she drove off.

Then another guy drives up and calls out a random street in DC that nobody has ever heard announced before. We all just sort of stood there looking at each other as everyone mentally googled a map of DC streets to figure out where he was going and if it was close to them. Someone in the back asked "how far down?" He said "anywhere." Wow, that instilled a lot of confidence in the line. Finally, after much hesitation, 2 people got in and appeared to be worried about the probability of actually getting to work with this guy.

Meanwhile, because the drivers were all off their rockers, the riders were acting as if they couldn't figure out which was was up. People were stepping out for the wrong destination while others were completely clueless which car to get into. Some people attempted to get into a car only to be ejected when it was discovered that they were going somewhere else. At one point, everyone was criss-crossing and bumping into each other trying to get to their rides. It was as if I had stepped out of reality and into a really bad comedy sketch. I kept waiting for a clown horn to go off, but I was disappointed.

My fun came to an abrupt stop when I looked down the line of cars to see HER. It was like all the kids in class goofing off and then the teacher walks in, making every heart in the room sink. She inched up in her Mercedes and all of my "friends" in the back taunted me that I was next up for a ride. Nobody wants to ride with her, and we all like to make the ride more painful by pointing out that it's not our turn that time. So, in true payback fashion, my buddies gave me a little parting taunt before I embarked on the journey to the center of commuter misery. Ironically, I even fought for the ride because some bimbo jumped out in front of me and the guy behind me. I quickly informed her that we had that ride, and she corrected herself back in the line. On a day like today I can't really blame her. Nothing was working the way it was supposed to, and I was in good humor after having poked fun at the crazy lesbian drill sergeant.

So I rode off to my boring old office in boring old DC and, despite my driver's clear lack of people skills, I had a bit of smirk on my face remembering the chaos and confusion that we were all starting our week off with....and then I fell asleep and snored and drooled all over myself.

HAPPY MONDAY!!!!!!!