Southern Hospitality

I am not a rude person. I consider myself to be well-mannered and respectful toward my fellow man. Sometimes, I place the interests of those around me above my own, because it feels wrong to be selfish. The problem is that when people take advantage of my kindness and consideration I can become a raging bitch.

When I drive, as I did today, I am extremely considerate of my passengers. I ask several times during the ride if they would like me to adjust the temperature up or down. I offer them use of my cupholders, even when it's technically against slugging rules to bring a beverage into someone else's car! I keep a steady but safe speed and distance so as to not scare the holy hell out of my passengers. In other words, I go out of my way to make their commute more comfortable. It's just who I am.

Because of my kind nature, even when I'm getting disgusted by someone's behavior, I may still appear accommodating and deferential. Often I will even put up with it for the most part, and the I will just walk away without warning when I've had enough. It's like a mask that I wear to prevent others from seeing the absolute monster I can become when I'm angry. I sometimes try to use humor or mild sarcasm to disarm a situation, and I generally try to avoid serious confrontations. I don't like to fight. I like to have a nice, quiet, peaceful coexistence. That's not because I'm afraid to fight. It's because I fear for the safety of the person who makes me angry enough to want to fight.

No, I didn't get into a fight this morning on my way to work. But let's just say that the line came close to being crossed this morning.

I woke up feeling reflective and introspective. I have a lot of things on my mind right now, and when that happens, I need time to let my brain just work it all out on its own. The main way that I do this is through music. I generally use music to help me sort out my thoughts, hence the extreme overuse of my iPod. When I'm feeling like this, my social skills tend to be lacking because I am a little bit too self-absorbed to really notice those around me. It would have been a perfect day to be a rider, because I could have climbed in and turned up the Pod and just focused on my own thought processes. But, since I had to drive, I knew I'd have to be out of my fortress for a little while.

When my riders jumped in, I greeted them as usual. Driving to the lot, I turned on a playlist I just created that was helping me to focus. I was getting in a "zone" that was sort of improving my general outlook. I needed to stay on that path. I kept the volume of my music at a respectable level that would allow my passengers to sleep but I could still hear it over the road noise. This is frustrating to me already because when I get like this I want it loud and all-consuming. I did the obligatory offer of a temperature adjustment, but I got an attitude from the woman in the front seat. Mistake #1. In this kind of mood, I'm easily set off.

I bit my lip, and I simply turned the music up a little bit. Traffic was moving well, and we were making good time. I was back in my zone when she decided to start talking to me. I was already annoyed with her for rebuffing my hospitality, so I was not terribly interested in a conversation. She started blabbing on about the holidays and traffic and office parties and blah blah blah blah blah. I just couldn't be bothered to listen or care. I was doing the "yeah I'm listening" head nod, but I was really trying to concentrate on the music. I was starting to feel like I was reaching a crucial point in my thought process where I was going to make a really difficult decision and feel good about it, and she was yakking about pantyhose or her runny nose...I can't be sure. So the more she talked, the more I would slowly and subtly increase the volume of the music hoping she would notice my passive-aggressive attempts to politely get her to shut her flap-trap. It wasn't working.

When I hit a slowdown, I noticed that the music was a bit too loud for the crowd. Despite the fact that this is exactly what I wanted, I turned it down to be a good host. This is when the drive north turned south.

She actually had the nerve to say "you shouldn't listen to your music so loud when you have people in your car." Yep, that pause was my brain telling my fists to stay firmly planted on the steering wheel. Normally, in a less combative mood, I would have simply just laughed it off. This morning I felt the need to respond. "Did you not notice that I turned it down?" I said it in the nicest of nasty tones and with a gentle-womanly smile on my face. I think she said something else after that, but I decided that I was not interested in being polite anymore. Then it happened: the one act that would simply be too much for me to withstand today.

Her cell phone rang.

Normally, when you are slugging, you avoid long or loud phone conversations. You don't broadcast your business to strangers, and you don't force them to listen to your petty crap. It's polite and acceptable to answer and engage in a quick, low volume conversation that ends with "I'm on my way to work in someone else's car. I'll call you later." Well, I'm betting you can guess what this woman did NOT do.

She started talking on her phone at maximum volume. You know that volume that people take when they are talking to foreigners who don't speak English that makes them think that speaking louder can break the language barrier? Hers was louder. The man in the backseat, who had been peacefully sleeping (lucky bastard), was now awake and looking a bit confused. Oh no, I did NOT just turn down my music for THIS woman!

So, in response, as could only be expected, I turned up the volume on my music, not to an obnoxious level but an obvious one. I was still trying to be respectful and considerate of the drooling man in my backseat who had done nothing wrong.

Her conversation got louder.

My music got louder.

Again.

and Again.

I was nearly reaching a volume that I would never, ever reach when other people are around. She was pushing me to do it. I had no choice.

She stopped her conversation and rudely said "I'm trying to talk here. Can you turn that down?"

I responded, in an even tone of voice (a major accomplishment for me today) "your conversation is interfering with my music and his sleep. I'll turn my music down when you get off the phone."

Apparently she didn't like this answer because not only did she keep talking but she started talking ABOUT ME. Mistake #2--big time!

I looked in my rearview mirror at the poor man in the backseat, and we exchanged a look. My look was basically letting him know things were about to get uncomfortable, and his was basically saying "do what you gotta do."

So the playlist changed. Considering her demographics, I decided something loud and heavy-hitting would annoy her the most. Out came the Metallica. As any good Southern woman of my generation, I keep it conservative for the most part. But I have the tools available to let it get loud and ugly. Mentally, the earrings were coming off and the sleeves were getting rolled up.

A little "Through the Never" at a good volume seemed like an appropriate response. It would annoy her but not be so obnoxious for the guy in the back. If she's going to talk about me to her little friend, I'm going to give her something to talk about. I can't be sure, because I was drowning her out with my singing and my steering wheel drumming, but I think she called me a bitch. Moi? A bitch? NEVER!

At this point, I'd forgotten about whatever was making me feel all introspective this morning. Now I was just plain having fun with being angry and bitchy.

She got louder, and so did I!

"All that is, ever
Ever was
Will be ever
Who we are
Ask forever
Twisting
Turning
Through the never"

Air guitar.....

Steering wheel drum.....

She slams her cheap ass cell phone shut. Mission accomplished.

We are about 5 minutes away from getting to work. Her head is twitching in circles and her lips are flapping away, but I'm just singing and pretending to be a rockstar.

This got a smile from the man in the back.

I turned down the volume and said "since you aren't on the phone, I can turn this back down."

Her response: "you are the rudest person I've ever met in my life."

I reached over to the visor, pulled it down, opened the mirror and said "not anymore."

We arrived, and I was mad as hell. But I held it in. She was just about to get me to the point of no return, but I was fighting against my desire to strike her down with all my strength.

I'm pretty sure she wanted to have a good old fashioned fist fight. I'm pretty sure I wanted to be a good hostess and oblige her. But I didn't.

She got out and muttered something under her breath, and I simply said "have a nice day" in that "screw you very much" kind of voice. The guy in the backseat laughed and said "I would have thrown her out in Springfield."

Kill them with kindness I always say!

HO HO HO, 'tis the Season!!

Happy Slugging!