Yeah Baby Yeah!

It's getting late, and the slug line is 40 people deep. You've already been standing there for 10 minutes, and the cars are so spaced out that you start to wonder if you should try to take an alternate destination to increase your likelihood of making it to work today. People are getting antsy and doing that little curb-studder dance when a destination is announced. You know what I mean. The driver yells out "PENTAGON!" and 5 or 6 people all step off the curb trying to see if they are the lucky one next in line for the ride. Three of them half-heartedly stumble back onto the sidewalk, heartbroken, and calculating how many more cars have to come before they are on their way. You stand there long enough, and you get psyched-out on enough rides that people start to figure out who is waiting for what destination.

That was me this morning. Time was passing more quickly than I like, and I was still waiting for my destination to be called.

After waiting patiently for about 15 minutes, a car, No! a van, rounded the corner and drove straight down the pickup lane. I heard it coming when it entered the parking lot. When my eyes caught up to my ears, I thought to myself "great, this one will be mine." It was, in the truest definition of the term, a shaggin-wagon that would have made Austin Powers jealous.

It was one of those "old-fashioned" vans that pre-dated the mini-van craze. It was the kind that had the plush captains chairs, television monitors, probably some sort of well-worn and stained bed area, and a wetbar full of Cristal in the back. I'm pretty sure that this particular vehicle had a starring role at some point in MTV's Pimp My Ride. This thing was bouncing and rolling its way up the line, and everyone sort of chuckled at the site of it. The music was loud and awful. I like most music styles, but it's too early in the morning for gangster rap. Seriously. There were two fuzzy things hanging from the rear view mirror, and I'm pretty sure they were breasts not dice.

Just as fascinating as this wacky, tricked out sex mobile was the driver. Oh yeah, I couldn't wait to get a glimpse of this one! In a split second, I dreamed up what I thought he would look like. Reality was SO much better!

He rolled up with his pimp-cup in his hand (OK, it was a 7-11 Big Gulp, but that's not as interesting), and he was driving his little love-machine with a swagger (if that's possible). He was a short little guy who was big on attitude. He gave all the girls a little wink as he drove up, and he flashed that 50-cent smile with such skill that I'm sure it's worked on at least one blind girl. Oh, and yes, he was a white guy with a short buzz cut (think Michael Scofield) and a little goatee. His "little" diamond studs probably cost more than every piece of jewelry I've ever owned or ever will (I can only assume that they were real based on his other splurges on shiny objects--does anyone need THAT much chrome on their vehicle?).

So the time comes for Rico Suave to call out his destination, and all us ladies held our breath. I could feel us getting collectively light-headed. And there it was. Just as I suspected. He called out my destination. In the next few seconds, it was like watching a badly choreographed off-Broadway production. Everyone was looking toward the front of the line where he was waiting like a man who just booked a room at the Bunny Ranch. Slowly, with eerie rhythm, all the heads in the line turned, one by one, each after the other, until their little chorus-line head "wave" stopped with me. They all knew that I was next.

So, I had to decide what was more important, getting to work on time but probably covered in cherry-flavored sex oil or letting this one go to someone else more deserving. I thought about all the things I needed to get done at work, and I did the only thing I could do.

I stood Fembot-still and checked my email on my Blackberry. My posture made it 100% clear that I would be taking the next one. I didn't even move my foot near the curb. I had to let this particular International Man of Mystery go by.

OH BEHAVE!!!