Cell Block Tango

A small percentage of you, most likely just the ladies, know the "Cell Block Tango" reference. For the rest of you, it is a brilliant song/dance routine from the wildly famous Broadway production/movie "Chicago." If you haven't seen the live production or the movie, go to YouTube and see if you can get just this scene. (For the fellas, the woman are half-naked and dancing seductively, so there's incentive to do this.) Here's the basic idea. A bunch of women are on death row for killing a man in their lives for various reasons. (No, I know what you are thinking. I am not thinking of killing a man.) In the song, the women give a little background on what each of their victims did to "deserve" to be killed. Well, the first "lady" in the story came home after a long, hard day, and her husband was sitting on the couch drinking a beer and POPPING his gum. She asked him to stop popping the gum. He didn't. So she fired "two warning shots" into his head. I've always related to that particular reasoning because my nerves simply cannot stand the sound of gum popping. I don't mean blowing bubbles and popping it. I mean that kind of popping that some people have the innate talent to produce EVERY SINGLE TIME they chomp down on the gum. Yes, I relate to the anger of the other women in the song, especially the ones whose husbands/boyfriends cheated on them. But overall, I can most relate to feeling homicidal when someone is popping gum.

Where am I going with this? Bet you can't guess!!

For those of you who read this blog frequently, surely you have figured out by now that I rely HEAVILY upon my iPod for escape from the various disturbances that occur during my daily commute. And, of course, today I managed to leave my beloved iPod sitting in my home office where it was comforting me this weekend while trying to set up my new Macbook.

So, there I was, sitting in the front seat (robbed of the backseat luxury once again), hoping for a nice quiet nap during my early morning commute. Things were going smoothly. I was relaxing as much as I could on the cold, clammy leather seats of the luxury vehicle carrying me to work this morning. My eyes were closed, and traffic was moving smoothly enough that I wasn't jolted back awake every 10 seconds by abrupt braking. Then it happened.

POP! pause pause POP! POP!

Oh my God! Why? POP! I held my breath hoping that it would stop after the initial surge of gum chewing wore off. POP! POP! No such luck. POP! She was going to town on that poor, unsuspecting piece of wintergreen gum. POP! I knew it was wintergreen because I could smell it. POP POP POP! There was absolutely nothing that could be done at this point. POP! I didn't have my iPod, and trying to do deep breath meditation wasn't drowning out the incessant explosions in my head that coincided with every chomp. POP! SMACK! POP POP! It's that kind of popping that is really high-pitched and LOUD. POP!

I tried to find my mental happy place. POP! But, whenever I tried to mentally focus on that beautiful view in Connemara that I love so much, POP! It was no use. POP! Chinese water torture has NOTHING on gum popping! POP POP POP! The Senate was so concerned with having Michael Mukasey declare that waterboarding is torture and shouldn't be used, but where were their outcries for banning gum popping? POP! I'll take simulated drowing ANY DAY! POP! SMACK! After 35 minutes of gum popping in the car this morning, I would have confessed to building gay-seeking WMDs for Iran in my basement. POP chomp chomp POP POP!

When the car rolled to a stop at the agreed upon location, POP, I practically catapulted myself out of the car and started to run. POP! When I noticed that she was following me, no hunting me, I actually turned and walked in the opposite direction. POP! I knew if I didn't, I'd have to listen to that sound the entire walk to my office building. POP! It was too much, so I hung back long enough to get out of popping range. POP! However, even as the popping shrill faded, POP POP, it continued to play in my head. POP POP POP! I'm hearing it even now as I sit at my desk. It's become my Tell-Tale Heart. POP! "It increased my fury as the beating of a drum stimulates the soldier into courage." POP POP!

All I can say is, if there had been a shotgun available, she'd have had it coming. And, if you'd have been there, if you'd have heard it, I betcha you would have done the same!

POP!! Happy Slugging! POP!!