You Are What You Drive

A person's car tells you a lot about them.  We all subconsciously draw conclusions about the people around us in traffic based on what they drive, and honestly, we are rarely wrong.  You see the minivan, and you know the driver, of course, spends a lot of time hauling around a brood of kids to various activities and has given over to convenience over style.  You see a VW Beetle (punchbuggy!-got ya!), and you know the driver is either a college-age girl, probably in a sorority, or an older, single cat-lady type that keeps the big flower on her dash and hasn't touched a man since she owned her first VW Beetle (punchbuggy!  got ya again!).  You see the Toyota, any model really, and you know that person is really just being practical.  I'm intentionally skipping mentioning those who drive hybrids and "smartcars" because those assholes deserve their own blog post.  For those who feel the need to go that extra mile to tell you who they are, they decorate their car with a ton of stickers.  Those, too, are a special breed of asshole who deserve their own post.  But alas, this post is dedicated to the cars that indisputably cry douchebag!

There are different levels of douchecars for different levels of doucheary of the drivers, of course, but they all pretty much say the same things.   A douchecar is typically driven by an overly aggressive douche driver who cuts in and out of traffic and rides the asses of everyone only to bolt around them and gun it until he gets to the next car to ride the ass of.  And/Or they are loudly overcompensating for their lack of masculinity, and therefore their lack of getting laid.  They are oblivious to this actually, which is what makes it even more hilariously douchey, because they believe they are ladies' men who can't beat the all the women away so he gets a fast car to get away from them.    

As a slug, I accept most levels of douchery and ride in many different douchecars.  I've had a lot of experience with douches in my life, so riding for 30-ish minutes with a douchedriver is a blip on the big radar of life.  However, however, however, I simply cannot do the Dodge Challenger and all the douchery that it brings.  I made the massive mistake of getting into a Dodge Challenger a few weeks ago, and he nearly killed us within the first 10 seconds of the ride.  I was praying the whole way there that if we got into an accident I wouldn't die surrounded by a big bag of soggy, mangled douche.  Thankfully I survived, but I will NEVER ride with him again. 

It's been rainy and disgusting in DC all week.  I've stood in the rain an extra 30 minutes (total) because I refused to get into his car.  He sat there staring at me, completely confused, because I was standing in the line but wasn't getting in his car.  He rolled his window down and said where he was headed.  I said "I know" and still stood there.  By day 2, he didn't even ask. 

I see him sitting there, and it takes me back to the olden days of the douchebags leaning on their Trans Ams with the giant chicken painted on the hood asking me if I wanted a ride.  Didn't do it then.  Not gonna do it now.