The Penguin v Batman

There is a man in my slug line whom we all refer to as The Penguin.  It's not necessarily a knock on his appearance, but it's a conveniently accurate comparison.  He's about 5'2" and 3' wide, in his (I'm guessing) 50s, and waddles like The Penguin when he walks.  But that's not why he stands out.  He stands out because he's annoying as HELL. 

Anyone who knows me knows that I'm not a morning person, and my tolerance is fairly low for other people before I've been up for quite a few hours.  I also have extreme sensitivity to unusual and/or repetitive noises.  So this guy really gets under my skin for a lot of reasons.  He is my commuting nemesis. 

He waddles up and down the line at 5AM talking to his "friends" at ridiculously inappropriate volumes about mind-numbingly boring crap that nobody wants to hear.  Because the line moves fairly frequently as drivers rescue us pathetic slugs from him, he has to repeatedly waddle back to his spot to move his bag that is holding his place in line.  On top of that, if you end up having to ride with him, his annoyance factor multiplies by a million.  He inhales and exhales very loudly with great exaggeration, he mumbles under his breath (unless you get really lucky and he knows the driver well enough to talk the whole damn way), and he does this really really really really annoying thing where he rubs his hands back and forth on his legs, making it sound like he's masturbating (sometimes I wonder if he is, but the fear of seeing that and never unseeing it keeps me from looking). 

The first thing I do when I arrive at the lot is do a quick Penguin scan.  I have to identify where he is in line and try to avoid riding with him.  His annoyance factor is enough to ruin my entire day.  So when I do see him and determine that I could be standing next to him in line, I will linger in my car, walk really really slowly, set fires, whatever it takes to avoid him.

Today, despite my best attempts, I couldn't avoid it.  I was trapped with him, and by the time I got to work, I was almost catatonic from trying to tune him out.  The only thing that kept me somewhat lucid was replaying this in my head:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1byycwl8qgc

Shhhh, not so loud.  You'll wake him.