Inappropriate Autonomous Body Actions (IABA)

Our bodies sometimes do things that we can't control, and they usually do so when it's the least appropriate time for it to happen. Sometimes those little autonomous actions are simply funny to you and those around you. Sometimes they are mortifying to all involved. The time when we are most vulnerable to our bodies' individuality is when we are sleeping--in front of other people.

I've become a marathon slug-sleeper, and my performance is improving. There are times when I can be asleep within 5 minutes of settling into a car, provided all the circumstances are amenable to doing so. It's the times that prevent me from sleeping that typically get the most blogging attention. Except this time.

Lately, I have been experiencing some repeated incidences of inappropriate autonomous body actions (heretofore IABA). My particular IABA seems to happen most frequently within a few minutes of drifting off to sleep, when you are in a semi-conscious state that leaves you just aware enough to know it happened without realizing it was actually you doing it. I believe it either goes unnoticed does not prompt a reaction from those around me most times. It seems to be happening a lot in the last few weeks, probably because I have been sick. It happened this morning, and I instantly became aware that the person next to me noticed it.

The rides were coming in slowly, and there was beginning to be a backlog of riders to my location. When a car pulled up going to my destination, me and another man stepped out. The man behind me decided to glom onto our ride and asked if the driver would take a third. Of course the driver did, and we all stuffed ourselves into this tiny little car. I got into the backseat behind the seat that was pushed back so far that I was eating seat as soon as I got in. The 3rd rider got in the backseat on the other side. He was so obnoxious that I had to over dramatize the inconvenience he was causing me. He climb into the seat with about 5 enormous bags of differing purposes. He had a briefcase, a gym bag, a lunch bag, a laptop bag, and what appeared to be a trash bag. (Side comment: if you carry that much crap to work everyday, you should consider driving.) So when he got in, he spread out his crap menagerie well into my space, which obstructed my ability to put my seatbelt on. I kept making all sort of grunts and groans and dramatic movements trying to get him to move his garbage out of my way so I could get strapped in. He finally caught on and moved his one bag over. When I got it clicked, he moved it right back. So there I was all scrunched up in the far corner behind an overly recline front seat and a backseat full of this guy's life. I owned my little corner and lowered my head to hopefully drift quietly off to sleep. I managed to successfully lose consciousness within a few minutes, but I was still somewhat aware of what was going on in the car. And then it happened.

I let out a loud little whimper. Yes, a whimper. Apparently, I've become a cry-baby in my sleep. Apparently my life has progressed to such a high degree of suck that I whimper in my sleep. Now, I know your mind was in the gutter and thinking that I was going to say something else, but trust me, whimpering in your sleep can be pretty humiliating too!

So, I let out my whimper, and it immediately brought me out of my quasi-sleep state. As soon as I realized what I had done, I tried to cover it up with a laugh. It was sort of like "whimper....hehehehehe". I discreetly looked around the car to see if anyone else had noticed, and sure enough, Mr. Bagman was looking right at me as if I just shouted obscenities in church. I turned to him and smiled and said "I just remembered something really funny my daughter said to me this morning." In true obnoxious form, he couldn't just leave it at that! He started saying "oh well, it was a good memory, so that's a good thing. It's always nice to start off the day with a good thought, right? blah blah blah blah blah" I stopped listening to him and just closed my eyes again and tried to go back to sleep. A few minutes later, I did it AGAIN! Damn it! This one was a little smaller, so I was pretty sure the guys up front didn't notice it. I looked over at Mr. Bag-full-of-sunshine, and he was sleeping.

Luckily for me, his IABA is loud, obnoxious snoring, so I went back to sleep comforted with the knowledge that my little IABA outbursts would be masked by his. Maybe he wasn't so bad after all!